The Glitter War
by DethRose
Summary: This a mockutary. Obvioulsy. It tells why there is so much glitter in the Underground. Because let's face it: you've all wondered this at some point. Rated K for innuendo. Flames are welcome and sung about in drinking songs from Whose Line. I wish.


**The Glitter War**

"Hello, my name is Christa. Welcome to this edition of What Is It Good For. Today I will go Underground to investigate the horrible Glitter War. The only way I can speak to the survivors of this dreadful war is to wish myself there. I wish I was in the Underground."

"Heh hm… And you are?"

"I am Christa from What Is It Good For."

"Oh yes. I remember now. I am Jareth, the Goblin King. Welcome."

"May I still talk to you and your subjects, King Jareth?"

"You may."

"Do you have any suggestions as to whom to speak to first?"

"Certainly. Hogbrain!"

"It's- oh sorry your highness."

"Tell our guest about the Glitter War."

"T'was horrible. I'm still tryin' ta clean up the mess. Thas all I'm gonna tell you." Hogbrain walks off. "It's Hoggle!"

"Well!"

"Sorry about that." If you'll excuse me." The Goblin King, Jareth goes after Hoghead.

"It's Hoggle and don't you forget it!"

"Higgle, we have a guest. If you're not polite, then I'll just have to dip you into the Bog Of Eternal Stench. Now answer her questions."

"Thank you King Jareth."

"Please, call me Jareth. I'm sorry but it seems that Helga won't speak anymore."

"It's- oh nevermind." I watch as Hildegard disappears screaming about a Spock awful stench.

"If I call you Jareth, then you call me Christa. Do you know anyone else who will tell me of the Glitter War?"

"Certainly Christa. If the next goblin doesn't tell you anything, then I will take it upon myself to answer all your questions."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Ralph?"

"Yes your majesty?" Ralph looks like a tiny werewolf. He's so adorable."

"Answer Christa's questions and you get nice bone."

"Alright!"

What do you know of the Glitter War?"

"Th-th-th-the Gl-gl-glitter War?"

"Yes."

"I-i-i-i-i-it w-w-w-w-was – oh! All that glitter!" Ralph runs away in fright crying.

"Aw man. Are you still going to give him the bone? After all, he did sort of answer a question I've been thinking about."

"I guess. What do you want to know about the Glitter War?"

"When did it start?"

"It started nearly five years ago."

"What was the cause?"

"There was an argument between a warlock and myself."

"What was the argument about?"

"My ability to rule the Underground."

"How did all this glitter get here?"

"We were throwing spells at each other. Two of our spells mixed together and made an explosion. The explosion threw me back and killed the warlock. The result of the explosion was all this glitter you see about. It is embedded in walls, bushes, trees, and my clothing."

"May we see where the war took place?"

"Follow me." I follow Jareth behind and notice he has a really nice bum. His tight trousers accentuate that, and his, ah, front. I hope he doesn't read this. I look ahead and notice my guide isn't there."

"Heh hm." A voice says over my shoulder.

"Oh. Yes?" I stop and hastily hide what I've just written.

"So I have a really nice bum do I?" the king raises an eyebrow amusedly. I blush.

"Um, uh, is that the place where the Glitter War took place?"

"Yes. You didn't answer my question." He says in a serious voice.

"And that big black spot is where the explosion took place?" I purposely ignore his second comment.

"You still haven't answered my question: Do I have a really nice bum or not?" Jareth says in mock severity.

"Yes." I blush.

"Now, was that so hard to answer?"

"Yes."

"That was a rhetorical question."

"I love answering rhetorical questions." His only comment is to raise his eyebrow.

"So, you didn't answer _my_ question."

"Yes. As you can see, this ;lace has the most damage from the glitter. And from the state of my tunics and as you said my tight trousers you can see that I did not lie about the glitter embedded in my clothes."

"Did the warlock die from the explosion or the glitter?"

"He died from the glitter, along with some of my favorite goblins to kick."

"That's a funny way to die. By glitter, I mean." I chuckle.

"I suppose. Oh, and I forgot to mention that when ever I transport anywhere, a cloud of glitter is left, leaving a huge mess to clean up."

"I guess you're not a popular party guest are you?" I sympathize.

"Unfortunately not."

"My Spock! The glitters even in cobwebs, candles, and cabinets!" I gasp.

"And in the oubliette and the tunnel. I told you it is everywhere."

"It doesn't help that glitter is practically impossible to get out of things does it?"

"No, it doesn't." we look around in silence. "I'm sorry. I've forgotten my manners; would you like something to drink?"

"Well, usually I say no but today, certainly."

"What would you like; champagne, wine, anything else?"

"Sorry, I'm only eighteen."

"Ah yes. Sorry. Is there something else you might like?"

"Root Beer."

"Hmm…I'm not familiar with that. Anything else?"

"That's alright. I'll like orange juice. Thank you."

"We have that. Let's go to my throne room and I'll make sure you get your orange juice."

"Thank you." I follow Jareth to his throne room. There are goblins and chickens everywhere.

"Sorry, sometimes I forget that this room is usually full. Let's go to the Sitting Room. I don't allow anyone in there, so we should be able to talk more comfortably." He leads me through a corridor and up to a door. He opens the door and we go inside. "Here's your drink."

"Thank you."

"Please have a seat. Do you have any other questions?"

"What were the names of the goblins that died?"

"They were Paddlefoot, Threadbasher, and Phil."

"Phil's…different."

"He was always different. How is your orange juice?"

"Delicious. Could you tell show me other places that have suffered damages?"

"Everything suffered."

"Ah."

"I suppose I could show you the labyrinth."

"I would love that."

"Well, come on. We haven't a moment to lose." He rises out if his chair "Just leave your juice; I'll have someone take it away."

"Alright." I get up from my chair and follow Jareth. He takes my hand and transports us to the labyrinth part of the Underground. He wasn't lying about the cloud of glitter.

"What do you think?"

"It's so shiny." I say with a glazed look.

"I suppose it is. Do you have ADD by any chance?"

"Yes."

"Ah, that explains it." Jareth muses.

"Explains what?" I ask distractedly.

"Why you're attracted to shiny thing."

"Hm?"

"Nevermind." He smiles. "Are you done?"

"Oh, sorry about that. No I have a few more questions."

"Yes?"

"These questions aren't really related to the program so I'll just end the program and ask."

"Go ahead. I'll wait."

"Thank you for joining me on this episode of What Is It Good For. Good night." I end. "And cut."

"Your questions?"

"They might be a little personal. Do you mind?"

"No."

"What are you?"

"I am a Fae."

"Groovy. Since obviously you have powers, can you show me?"

"Certainly." He smiles then turns into a beautiful barn owl white with light brown feathers. He flies around a bit and lands on my shoulder then flies to the ground and transforms back to his natural form."

"Well?" he raises his eyebrow in wait for a response.

"Beautiful." I say in awe.

"Thank you. Do you have any other questions?"

"Just one more."

"And that would be?"

"May I stay here?"

"That's unusual; usually people want to leave here. Are you sure you're not coming down with something? I could have my physician check you out. "

"I'm fine. Those people don't know a good thing when they see it."

"What do you mean exactly?"

"This place is relaxing in a funky way."

"I suppose it is." We stand in silence hearing the wind hit the leaves in the trees and run through the grass. "You may stay."


End file.
